Sheilaclapkin's Blog;

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Shouts in Battle:

Something happened yesterday, which carried over into today and it would forever be my bulletproof vest and my Pit Bull. I am going into battle. Each day is a battle, so not a particular battle to discuss today. I am frightened each day about going into battles known and unknown. Those fears are my shouts. If we are in a battle and you want to make a deal, I cannot because then someone automatically becomes the winner and if a winner, there must be a looser. I would guess the one with the most experience in deal making will win in this case scenario.   If we both fight to the death, either we both die or one of us definitely wins. If we decide to meet in the middle and come to equitable terms, there is no winner or looser; there is peace. Does it matter who started it. Of course it does, but that may not need to be counted in the equation of who wins, who looses, or a truce.

A truce is a noble act between individuals needing not to win or loose.

The paperwork extravaganza is the Echo.

I think the paperwork was mailed to me by mistake. If the doctor knew that I received the complete document of her findings and her documentations, she would have a gigantic fit of rage. But the fact remains, I have a powerful document telling me many things I was not told, still not told and should be told on the spot. People are seemingly shut out of their best opportunity to help with their health care by not seeing documentations of their doctor patient encounters and not knowing. Yes, I hear you all, you think I am wrong, and that doctor’s should have their privacy. Okay, what about mine?

The echo on the doctor’s notations is loud in the distance, and clear as a bell. They have empowered me to live a fuller life, be more proactive about my diagnosis process and at peace knowing the naked truth. What happened as I read the process and the doctor’s praiseworthy words is that I began the process of liking myself for who I am, understanding myself more and that everyone faces the process. As the process continues, I remain knowledgeable of the facts as documented and enjoying days full of life. Nothing she has said thus far is life threatening, just so interesting to be given the opportunity to secure and read a heretofore-secret document. And for your ears only, I will forever after ask for the completed documents knowing this was a one-time error and will never to happen again.

Faintly the echo fades with these words, “Since you are still waiting for the words to be said, start saying them and asking them yourself.”

The whispers are God talking to me in low tones, so I will know it is he, and I should not miss a word. He loves me as much as ever, but wants me to love myself at the same level, so I will feel contentment. I have some catching up to do. I think about me. I don’t mind playing catch up to God. There is no better example to follow. There is no greater force. I have not been taught to love myself, but no time like the present to begin lessons. Honestly, I know this may sound like a hype, but if you listen, lessons are always streaming and you can hitch the ride.

Regarding books, and as long as we are on the subject, I ordered another book on how to heal underlying causes for suffering and feeling hopeless. I thought if I could learn the secret of this 322-page book, I would spare you the time and the effort. I got to work on this book and I found that it too has pretty much one secret spelled out in different scenarios and stories with the guidance theme.

I will of course and without doubt get you your own book if you wish, but in the mean time, this secret is not so easily extracted, but here goes: In healing the underlying causes suffering and feeling anxiety of hopelessness, one has to recognize that if we do something wrong and there is no one around to punish us, we tend to think we should punish ourselves. We punish ourselves so we can feel good. Rather than punish us, the SECRET is to FORGIVE the others and ourselves. These facts will make us feel so much better. FORGIVENESS is a secret.

My mother was a critical mother always seeking better and better performances. I worked hard to please her and spent much of my life punishing myself for not making her grade. My mother was very, very ill one night, convulsing and vomiting blood in the days preceding the end of her life. When I was helping her, an immediate response came over me and I forgave her for all of the ills I had perceived and began to forgive myself for not forgiving her earlier. These moments were the most freeing and liberating feelings I have ever had in my whole life.

I only wish someone would have shared the secret of FORGIVENESS way before, so I would have been free to forgive myself and forgive others in my life.

Now I really must run because I have a chocolate chip cake in the oven that must come out now! Remember to attract goodness into your life, forgive others, and most of al forgive yourself. You are a wondrous product of the Universe and there is a miraculous reason you are here.

She is awakened on her 75th birthday morning with sounds from a jangling phone on the nightstand next to her bed. As soon as the receiver is lifted, there is a family singing Happy Birthday. The singing is so in sync that she can distinctly pick out the owner of each singular voice as it takes its place in choir. As the phone is replaced on the charging stand, she opens the blinds and sees that the exact cloud covered day she ordered has been delivered. The patio furniture pieces have been beautifully restored. The restaurant where dinner was to be enjoyed is closed for emergency repairs. She loves Taco Bell, so there is no problem.

Lots of lovely birthday calls ensue, cards abound, and Facebook messages pour in, plus emails galore. Many little slow downs in the past several years, but she will not give in to them. They are part and parcel of what this staying alive issue denotes. She is happy about surviving thus far.

During a much-enjoyed stint lying down, her mind wandered. She wondered if she had many dreams. No dreams came through that she could remember. None recently. Good she thought. No one can analyze me through my dreams, who would want to anyway? Good happy life, and no needs or wants, well, maybe one. An award. She does not want an award for doing her life; living is done with no awards. Rewards by the multitudes, awards, none. She thinks she wants an award for 53 years of marriage and whatever that has required. She thinks, certainly she deserves one.

So now we get to it, she wants an award for service. She thinks about a diamond-encrusted tiara, even a full-blown crown she would not refuse. Being ridiculous, not really. You give thirty years of service to your company and get a gold watch; soon she would be owed one for each arm. Maybe they don’t give gold watches anymore, so maybe they give bonuses. She has

never received a bonus. They give a trophy for great accomplishments. They give many things denoting distinguished achievement. She realizes that the job is not over and hopefully will go on and on and on. But, in the meantime, perhaps she can wear a merit badge or a badge of courage; it takes a great amount of courage to serve. They distribute award ribbons, 1st 2nd, 3rd place ribbons. Oh never mind, she muses to herself, who wants 2nd or 3rd. Is is possible to just collect brownie points whatever they may be? You might have, and she has, many cups with business and organizational names printed on them She has a Happy Birthday, Happy Mother’s day cup, too. She thought she would hate a coffee cup stating years of service up to the present, but would accept it with a grin of pleasure that someone has noticed. She reminds herself that there are many ways to represent service, but in the morning, she thinks she will go out and purchase something lovely for the home they share, the home that represents all of the service!

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Every day, at the end of the day, I throw my sins away in sight of water. Rosh Hashanah is coming and joy is filling our hearts. There is an ancient custom that calls for observant Jews to Tashlikh, during Rosh Hashanah, meaning to cast away the year’s previous sins into a body of water. Water therefore creates a clean slate, leaving our transgressions behind as we start the New Year. A stroll along the beach is ideal, along a lake is lovely, too. Our neighbor’s pool is handy, but if you need to turn on your faucet and watch the water trickle as you cast your sins, you will have done the job.

You do not have to be Jewish to cast your sins. I know that, and you know that, so Robin, my hairdresser extraordinaire and I have devised a plan for constant renewal without carrying such a heavy load all year long, waiting for a designated time to cast off sins.

Every day, at the end of the day, cast your sins away. Just start twitching, shaking yourself around a bit, and brushing yourself off as in the act of casting. After you stop all of the frenetic casting, you will, guaranteed, feel like a million bucks.

Oh, you are one of those who do not sin. Probably you don’t, neither do I, BUT there are so many superstitions and regulations, plus self imposed rules and regimes, instructions, and guidelines, you probably do not fully get out of bed without a mark. Our governing powers have added so many laws and decrees that will fill a book just since yesterday, so you cannot possibly escape. May I suggest you shimmy and shake, casting any unrealized sins away, everyday at the end of the day! Get back to me on your casting success.