Sheilaclapkin's Blog;

Dear Granddaughter #1

At the birthday party you said, “When I was little everyone loved me and then, I grew up.” Well, for your information, everyone still loves you only you won’t let us show you. Really? Really.  Start thinking about the people who love you and count them. Probably, you should just look at your Facebook page. There you will find people who are listening. I hope you are listening and reading. I write to let you know I am thinking of you and I love you. I loved you when you were little and I love you just as much and even more now.

I was and still am a sort of wallflower. Do you know what a wallflower is: well, as I remember it and as it was explained to me when I went to a dance and no one asked me for a dance, I was considered a wallflower. Someone who hugs the wall and hopes someone else will ask them to dance. I was thinking last night that I was a perpetual wallflower and I only remember someone asking me to dance after he had been refused by 6 others. I remember that dance so well. I even got sort of popular over it and people talked about how I was such a good dancer.  I guess that time was part of my 15 minutes of fame. I am still sort of a wallflower.

Here is what the urban dictionary says about wallflowers. And I do like these definitions.

-A type of loner. seemingly shy folks who no one really knows. Actually these are some of the most interesting people if one actually talks to them.

Or

“Someone, usually in high school, who sees everything, knows everything, but does not say a word; they are not loners; they are introverted, meaning they are shy and have a social disease; they cannot handle having someone pay attention to them even though they crave it as much as everyone else; wallflowers are just phased in, and faded into the background.”

I have always been shy. Most people do not get it that I am a shy person, but truly I am.  I regret that I was so shy and had such an inferior complex. I don’t know what I thought back then, but I know I thought I was not good enough for lots of things.  The first thing I remember and the first thing that made me realize I had an inferiority complex was regarding a beautiful sweet sixteen birthday present I received from my Aunt Ruth. She used to give such magnificent gifts.  She gave me a beautiful slip with lace and beautiful stitching. I loved it but never wore it. I looked at it often. I didn’t think I was worthy of such a beautiful item and I still have it to this day so many years later in my drawer, unworn. I used to drop my eyes when talking to someone because I thought I was so inferior and worried about facing people with my eyes raised to meet theirs.  I have stopped doing that and I make a point to never, ever drop my eyes to anyone.  It is a conscious effort that is becoming easier and easier. It still does not come naturally, but I meet at eye level these days, always and to everyone.

I did many things under the guise of the inferiority complex that I would never repeat or want anyone to do. First of all let us define inferiority complex. Here it is: “An abnormal or pathological state which, due to the tendency of the complex to draw unrelated ideas into itself, leads the individual to depreciate himself, to become unduly sensitive, to be too eager for praise and flattery, and to adopt a derogatory attitude toward others”

I was asked recently if I regretted anything in my life.  I thought about it for a short while and came up with the idea that I regretted not dealing with my feelings of inferiority sooner and accomplishing more with what I have to offer.

You don’t call very often or visit, only when you want something. Lots of people are like that; I was just hoping you were not.  Actually I do not blame you for asking for what you want. I suppose I did the same when I was your age, but within a year or two of your age, I gave back before I ever asked for anything more.