1971
When I was very young, I explored dying. Not the horrid slow, suffering kind of dying I came to view as I grew into my aging years, done by grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and friends. As a youngster, I viewed dying as leaving some very sad people and how they would grieve for me.
I am not afraid to die; I am afraid of the pain and long suffering and I do not want grieving. I want my death to be a celebration. I am afraid of the care that I will need to survive. Please God, please children of mine, do not make me survive past the time I can rise from my bed, take the pills I need to keep my systems going, comb my hair, brush my teeth, pee, poop and feed myself. Do not let me live past giving myself life-giving care.
I feel badly for you my children who will ultimately end up with the care and decisions regarding my life and or death. Children, I am sorry, but I did not bring you into this world to be my ultimate caregivers. I did not come into this world wanting or needing care giving for the aged. I know God in his or her infinite wisdom decides, but I do truly want to be part of that decision process. I want to be able to choose to end my life before I need care. I will not be punished into eternity for my desires. I do not want to fight the dreaded diseases; I do not want the endless pain, suffering and indignities; I want to end my life before any of those disintegrating diseases take over my body and mind.
Children, I will not ask any of you to assist me in my demise, but I am going to ask you not to interfere. I have not been taught that it is against God’s will to take my life into my own hands. This is not to say that I do not believe in God, I certainly and absolutely do. I have grown up knowing that my life and all that goes into it is my choice. God will watch over us and help us to make decisions and if we listen, we will be graced with the Almighty’s wisdom. If we are unaware, we will miss the whisperings of the forces of nature that tell us life secrets.
No, do not let me live one day past my wishes, and do not be involved with my letting go. Just tell me that you love me while I am living and do not wait until I am six feet under and incased in a cement bunker. I will not be able to hear you or enjoy your conversations. With the death that will be between us, I want you to be comforted that I wanted to go. My father told me that if there were any way back to let you know about the life in the hereafter, he would come back and let me know. He has not been back physically, but he has made his presence known. It is only in my soul that I see him. You will see me in your soul, but I will not be back. I will love you now and you will love me now and we will love each other. But remember, I do not want to live one hour past the time of comprehension and life giving vigor. Let me go and know that this is my wish. I will not change my mind about giving in to death willingly. As I live, I see a death I wish to choose. Children of mine, let me die in peace as I have lived in love.
Sheilaclapkin's Blog; 
Nov 14, 2010 @ 09:03:08
As you wish, sweet mother.
Nov 16, 2010 @ 07:30:07
Thank you dear Dina.
Nov 16, 2010 @ 07:22:25
What if you change your mind???
Nov 26, 2010 @ 11:20:28
I can see how this could be viewed as deeply disturbing by those who care about you. However, can’t this all be taken care of by filling out a DNR (do not resuscitate) form and filing it with your health care provider? Then, those around you can carry out your specific orders without question or hesitation, knowing that it is all what you want.
Dec 02, 2010 @ 14:59:35
Yes, perhaps disturbing, but I did not see it that way when I wrote it.
It was just something I wanted them to know. Having your kids know how you feel is one thing and
having them carry through is another. Perhaps the carrying through is the disturbing part of the whole thing.
Nov 01, 2012 @ 19:40:56
I enjoyed all your pictures and wished I was with you on all your trips. I’d be tired. I copied the recipie of Grand’ve ma Lula’s candy recipie. I’v e never made divinit but will make some and let you know how it turned out. Thanks for all your pictures and stories.
Nov 02, 2012 @ 09:47:38
Oh MOlly, I am so happy to hear from you. And the minute your finish the divinity, let me know how it turns out. I followed the recipe so carefully and it was kind of runny. I guess I did not watch Lula enough times to get it right. All is good here. Hope you are feeling well. Keep up the good work. LOve and hugs your way from me,
Sheila
Thank you for reading the blog!!